Extra Marital Affairs | Marriage & Relationship Counselling | Relationship Therapy

Dr Bindu Kapoor
Marriage & Relationship

28 Nov 2020
Extra Marital Affairs | Marriage & Relationship Counselling

It happens and it really stinks. You’ ve been married for years and suddenly you find yourself attracted to somebody else. Maybe he or she works in your office; maybe you even met them in the market. A long conversation turned into a test-flirt that got rewarded and then the touch of a hand and pretty soon you’ re talking about how to navigate some pretty serious deception. Maybe you never thought it would go this far or you planned on stopping it before it reached this point but … you didn’t and now you’ re cheating on your spouse. Feelings begin to take hold based on a host of reasons, and some of them are purely biological. Some feelings are as light as the common cold, some as serious as a fatal disease. The problem is, the longer you follow the feeling the more the brain becomes awash with an “insane” logic that seems to make sense. Many feel like their brain has been awakened and their spirit revived, yet while bearing the tsunamis of guilt and shame.

Developing attraction or romantic feelings for someone other than your spouse happens in almost every relationship. Hopefully, it’s rare, but it’s normal. Pursuing those feelings, however, is harmful and incredibly destructive to people you care about. The irony is that while trying to bring love to that new person, you actually bring them harm. The pursuit involves hiding, manipulation, and lying; the very things you will later despise in yourself and distrust in the other.

If you have children, you’re not present because you’re spending every possible moment with the affair partner or obsessing about the next time you can. And then there is the 5 to 6 years of living hell you go through after you’re found out, even if you don’t get divorced. You may not have gotten into it on purpose but that is how you get out of it; on purpose.

Types of Affairs | Is Relationship Therapy Helpful

When we begin to develop feelings for somebody else, it’s a great indicator some serious attention needs to be paid to our marriage. If you’ve not acted on anything, shut the inappropriate relationship down and be intentional about finding the spark in your marriage again. If this sounds extreme, imagine your spouse’s response if they knew what was going on.

Extramarital affairs

These are relationships outside of marriage where an illicit romantic or sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment occurs Your wedding vows talk about a lifetime together, a life of unwavering loyalty, one of getting old together, through good and bad times. But as years pass by, that spurt of love turns into monotony. This is when you discover the glitches in your ' happily ever after'. And then enters the one we call an extramarital affair. Most of the time, he is the one who is also married. You both enter in it for fun and presume that you both can handle this relationship without disturbing your married lives. This special one makes you feel the soul connect with great sex, compassion, and understanding that seemed to have gone missing from your marriage. Life suddenly becomes perfect again. The one thing that people entering extramarital affairs underestimates the most is their emotions. And this changes the dynamics of the affair faster than they know. Sexual emotions are the strongest human emotions there can be and they can make you vulnerable to a degree that you can't fathom at the beginning.

Emotional affairs

It is sometimes even called the affair of the heart. While the two don't engage in a physical relationship, they are deeply entwined in each other's minds. They are constantly flirting, exchanging messages, thinking about each other pretty much all the time. There is no sex but that doesn't mean there is no sexual tension between the two. The two share every single intimate detail and are so much into each other that it drains the energy from their primary relationship. They reach out to each other because they feel the constant need to stay connected.

Resentment/Revenge affairs

Such affairs happen often because of resentment towards the current partner. This affair materializes because the partner wants to get even with his/her spouse. They could have discovered an illicit relationship or are deranged by their partner's indifference. When such partners engage in extra-marital affairs, they want to feel empowered and they unknowingly seek healing in such illicit affairs. They want to feel wanted by someone, without undergoing the intense pressure of dealing with his/her own disturbed relationship. This relationship falls out faster than the two realize. Couples are so busy in their respective lives that they barely find time to work on the marriage and that's how resentment creeps in. No one wants to work on the issues, they start blaming the partner. This is when they start looking for love and acceptance outside."

Imaginary affairs

Human is capable of creating illusions they desire. This perfectly describes imaginary affairs. A colleague or a gym buddy probably likes spending time with you, but you secretly convince yourself that you two are a thing and he will leave his partner to be with you. This commitment is only one-sided and is a perfect mix for disaster.

Body and soul affairs

This affair is the most fatal of all. It is almost like a real relationship. The two have sex, have emotional dependence, and feel complete in each other's company. They see each other as soul mates. This kind of affair is capable of wrecking marriages, simply because the relationships feel so right!" There are a very small percentage of body and soul affairs. It's more spiritual than physical and emotional. They feel the need to constantly feel each other and separation pains them immensely. This is the kind of affair that leads to divorces and remarriages. "

Things You Can Do to Overcome an Affair

If you’re already having an affair, you probably feel terrible but are having trouble stopping and have no idea what to do. We know this is extremely painful and want you to know some things you can do:

  1. First of all, come to terms with the fact this is going to be difficult and it’s going to hurt, but there will be life again.
  2. Open up with God and own everything that you’ve done. When I confess without excuses I begin to feel God’s mercy
  3. To walk away from an affair you need to know something you are walking toward; something that is more important to you than that which you are afraid of losing in yourself when you leave. For instance, if you felt you could only be your “real self” with your affair partner, walk through the fear of doing that with your spouse now. Yes, it may shake things up but not any worse than having an affair.
  4. Talk to a counselor, psychologist by www.myfitbrain.in. This will make an immense difference and you will feel relief. A trustworthy person can help you do what you probably won’t do alone.
  5. May be is you have stopped being honest with your spouse about what’s not working in your relationship and you fear the conflict, or the silence. Consequently, you have taken your real self and real needs out of the marriage and that’s a problem. This is where a counselor can create the safety to help you be honest and to hear each other
  6. If you don’t learn how you are contributing to the problem, you will repeat it. Each of us brings our own wounds to the marriage that impact is much more than we can imagine. Invite your spouse to tell you how you contribute to their hurt and loneliness and then listen. It is amazing how people can drop their walls when they feel heard.
  7. Stop deceiving yourself and others. When we are in the middle of a deception, we have usually told so many lies that we don’t know how to get back to the truth. The beginning of honesty with others is to first be honest with ourselves.
  8. Let the pain that you feel in the absence of the affair partner call you to take a step into the mystery of God’s very real and inexhaustible love.
  9. Tell your spouse the truth. I know this brings you panic because you have no idea how it will turn out. A counselor is invaluable to help with this.
  10. Stay humble and repent through the backlash. Defending yourself or blaming only fuels more anger and increases the chance that you’ll actually believe your defense. The only thing that can make this situation worse is to heap on more deception. The truth just needs to come out and be dealt with. This is going to cost you and those you love a great deal, but dealing with it now and being honest will be the first step in reestablishing broken trust. Getting caught is going to make it much, much worse. If you walkthrough
  11. This honestly and humbly, you will uncover the meaning of integrity and will find

In case of help, our psychologist relationship counselor is just a click away, My Fit Brain is the real help.

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    Dr Bindu Kapoor

    Consultant Psychologist

    Location: N/A

    Language: English, Hindi

    Area Of Expertise: Child Counseling, Deaddiction, Couple Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Work Stress, Job Stress, Career Counselling, Adolescent Counselling, TeenAge Problems, School Counsellings, Mobile Addiction, Motivation

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    Rs. 1000.00/30min

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