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What is Posessive Love

My Fit Brain - Posessive love is closely linked to jealousy, which is in charge of destroying relationships, but is also a slowly self-destructive feeling. Know more from our Relationship Counselor.

Dr. Neha Mehta Marriage & Relationship 28 Mar 2020
What is Posessive Love
2 Years Ago 1.4k Reads 11 min read

To be possessive is to feel the need to appropriate the other. You're so hooked on your boyfriend or girlfriend that you feel the need to control him/her, and you're constantly obsessed with the fact that between the two of you it works. You are overstrained because overinvested in your relationship. If you miss anything? You panic So much that you're going to tend to misinterpret everything. He/she sends you a simple “ good evening” without a smiley because you tell him that you go exceptionally in the evening? You get carried away and immediately think that he/she is jealous, that he/she must make your mouth. You project your own fears onto the other and necessarily think something is wrong. What if he/she goes out in the evening?

In fact, it all depends on one thing: you cannot do without this relationship, you cannot make a living without it, so you are on the lookout for the slightest sign that proves that another is less thorough and it worries you.

The Results of being in a Possessive Relationship?

vector graphic of a cartoon showing possessive love

Suddenly, it has a lot of consequences, first on you, but also on your couple. Wanting to control everything, you take your head by asking yourself thousands of questions and you allow yourself to be overcome by doubt. You are so preoccupied with strategizing about your relationship that you no longer live it. In a way, it is putting him/her aside and disregarding him/her. This need to control everything can make you aggressive or angry at the slightest annoyance, so you can easily take your head for nothing. It can force-feed your guy or your chick because you blame him for his every move.

After a while, you find yourself locked in this hellish spiral, without being able to get out of it, so much which for you it has become like second nature. Is your life reduced to this prison?

If you have trouble seeing your life without your boyfriend or your chick, without having everything under control, this love is not beneficial. This love should not be essential to the detriment of your two people, because it would be selfish to want the other without considering his well-being.

Say No To Possessiveness in a Relationship

You do everything to preserve your couple, but it is the opposite effect that is likely to occur if you do not drop a little ballast. To let go of your relationship is to succeed in detaching yourself, to see that there is something else that allows you to get out of this confinement that you created. You live your relationship like it's a skill. Take it easy.

Letting go is also accepting your limits, recognizing that the other is different, and accepting to live in the present moment. In fact, when you are completely hooked and possessive, it is as if you were holding a large stone against you permanently, it is mega heavy, but you hold, you hold.

There comes a time when this doesn't is any longer possible, it is unlivable. To let go of your relationship is to remove the surplus you put in, the over-investment. If you agree to leave your boyfriend/girlfriend freer, if you do not try to interpret his every move, or to constantly make him reflections, things will seem simpler and you will feel lighter. Your couple will feel less suffocated and your story may finally flourish.

In the end, you let go, but to gain something 1000 times better: your fulfillment in your romantic relationship, and that of your boyfriend or your girlfriend. By taking a little distance from your emotions, you can fully enjoy them. Isn't that beautiful?

a man and women standing in dark room

Is love equal to possession? Some people, when they love a person, want to have it. They want to know everything about their partners, 24 hours a day, and 7 days a week. So every day after work or school, there is going to be a famous discussion of what one or the other did during his day.

As soon as we feel love, we are immediately tempted to take possession. We speak with confidence of our boyfriend, our wife/husband, our children, and our mother/father. We feel that this is an undisputed reality and quite reasonable. Why? Because all of our notions of love ultimately derive from romantic love, a love that is furiously and hopelessly possessive. A sort of emotional, overwhelming storm, an exciting attraction, but in the end, it is not loved. Because true love is not possessive. It cannot be.

We all agree that love is about giving and not taking. However, the desire to actually possess comes out of the need to appropriate the lover, the parent, the child. An obviousness, which is, sometimes, related to the social status of the person and their level of education. A possessive lover is often too focused on what he does, not on what he gives. How can you really love someone when you are dependent on them and the things you need? It does not love; it is just a form of manipulation in order to keep the necessary privileges for its own good. No one is addicted to love but people are addicted to meeting their needs. of course, a romantic relationship will produce interdependencies, but more often the pleasure of giving is confronted with the fear of not getting as much.

Little by little in a love relationship, the beloved partner becomes this most important person suddenly for you. You care more about what is going on and you set out on your own in the future. And at that time, love stops.

True love is not blind, so when you hear that love is blind, or love cannot last, or love is destructive, you can be sure that you have heard a description of lust, or desire, or need, and it's a precise description because the needs are really fleeting. Because love is a whole other thing: an emotion of deep compassion that demands nothing in return, so rare that most people in our society cannot imagine it.

Intrusion and objectification are done in a frank and direct manner as well as devious in certain abusive relationships where the limits are not always clear for the harasser and for his victim, as we can see in the grip relationships where informed consent does not seem to exist given the unhealthy nature of the relationship that lasts over time. In the case of possessive and hostile love as in grip relationships, the person who fixes himself by obsessive love can have an invasive presence in the life of his victim as well as aggressive behaviors towards him.

The victim may also be very aware of the limits that have been exceeded and the abuse they have suffered and want to get out of the situation which has turned into gear because of the manipulations of the manipulator which have lasted over time, isolation, and lack of social support.

Possessiveness Affecting Business Relationship

Abuse in a corporate relationship can be psychological and physical. Unfortunately, it is no longer love but unhealthy attachment and unjust and alienating control. Neurotic harassment is linked to possessiveness and jealousy in this case. It can also begin to manifest itself in this way after a breakup and express refusal of separation. The harasser does not consider his target as a free person and believes he has the right to control him. He sometimes even considers her as an object that belongs to him and refuses to consider that she will not meet his requests and expectations.

Neurotic harassing behavior as antisocial and/or hateful behavior and forced association can manifest a frank intention of malfeasance or revenge after a break or a refusal of relation.

The Stealth Hunt

Neurotic harassment can take the form of a stealth hunt that manifests itself physically and of course virtually today, on social media. It is physical when the stalker moves to spy on the person who is obsessing him while being nearby, that he invites himself to his activities and/or that he makes it his mission to follow his movements and observe his contacts social.

In this sense, everything that is made public as information about the person being tracked, whether the information comes directly from him or from another source, can serve to fuel the impulses of the stalker, either his fantasies or his projections. hostile as well as his maneuvers disconnected from the reality experienced as in love or in contrast as avenging by the reaction to non-love or to the barrier perceived as preventing the satisfaction of desire or the realization of the romantic scenario. The person who is constantly being called upon and/or directly threatened experiences a great deal of stress and may suffer, in the long run, from psychological exhaustion with harmful consequences for his mental and physical health which will not help him to find strength. to go out and start a new chapter.

In love or friendship, possessiveness is a defect that can poison the daily life of the person who suffers from it and that of those around him. Lack of self-confidence, fear of abandonment. Possessiveness, whether in love or in friendship, is often a reflection of an inner conflict specific to each person who must be appeased by the feeling of control of her entourage. A real defect to live with the daily which prevents blooming in its relation to the others.

Possessiveness: A very Personal Flaw

Referring very often to a deep fear of being abandoned, possessiveness is a reaction found in people suffering from a cruel lack of self-confidence. In love as in friendship, being possessive is a need for the exclusivity of the relationship, which gives the feeling of remaining master of the object of our love. Our Western education is the fertile ground for this need for possession: property being one of the foundations of our civilization, being possessive is only the reflection of this egocentric need to define oneself by the "things" that we have acquired. It is also a way for the possessive individual to express a dislike of his own person.

An Illusion of Love

Needing someone is very different from loving them. Possessiveness is a form of illusory love that gives the impression of loving the other when it is different. In fact, being possessive is a blinding defect that leads one to believe in true love when it results from a simple desire to want to control the present. It is a fear of change, a way of clinging to the other that most often leads to a destructive passion when the needs of the two individuals are not met. Love and friendship suffer from a toxic relationship which leads the possessive person to imagine that the other is nothing more than his property.

Getting out of Possessive Imprisonment

Becoming aware of your possessiveness problem is already a big step towards better relationships with others. Once the process has started, it is essential to understand that you must first seek to heal yourself. Do not expect others to meet your emotional needs or your desires: look for the best way to fill your lack of self-esteem. This defect, which is a real prison of the soul, will no longer be one if you use it wisely, namely a permanent search to meet your needs through your own resources and not those of others.

Possessiveness is not Love

When we love, we let the other be himself, we give him the freedom to express himself, to have outdoor activities and relationships, and we respect him in his choices and his way of being. I think we have to distinguish between possessiveness and jealousy. You can love a person, have total confidence in them, and be jealous. Let’s take an example, during a party a man is hitting on you, offering you a drink and sticking you a little too close, it will cause a feeling of jealousy in your friend. Jealousy is usually born out of fear of an external danger that could harm the couple. Well, there are several degrees of jealousy, but that's another subject.

Possessiveness is only the expression of selfishness and narcissism. The possessive wants the being "loved" to belong only to him and to him alone. He disapproves of the loved one having external social relationships other than him. He appropriates the "loved" being like an object. It is not the person himself that the possessive likes, what he likes is what this person brings to him, for example, a feeling of security, a feeling of well-being. In fact, the "loved" person only serves to satisfy a personal need of the possessive but in no case is it loves for his person himself.

If you need help then choose the experienced counselor at My Fit Brain.

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